The Index: House of Balloons

The Index

House of Balloons, The Weeknd

Critics who were really excited that we were going to review 'Lemme Smang It' because it was playing in this author's room (ironically): 2

Reviews of 'Lemme Smang It' I will do: 0

Critics: 8 (record high)

Percentage of critics under the influence: 62.5 (record low)

Percentage of readers who will get the pun in the previous statistic on a first read: 10

Percentage of readers who will hate me for making that pun: 90

Critics arriving directly from a birthday party in a freshman dorm that featured a male stripper: 2

Number of this author's friends photographed in compromising positions with said stripper: 2

Critics who knew that stuff like that happened in Stanford freshman dorms: 0

Approximate volume of Pad Thai eaten by the critic who claimed last week that smoking didn't make her hungrier, in cubic inches: 50

This critic literally just walked into my room to ask for candy, while high: no statistic necessary

Revised percentage of critics under the influence: 87.5 (no longer a record low)

Time spent recording conversations before actually beginning the review, in minutes: 11.5

Percent of 'High for This' listened to in complete silence and, as requested by critics, darkness: 72

Year that this album was released: 2011

Time between release of The Weeknd’s first tracks and his first live performance, in months: 8

Kangaroo Jack references made during this review: 2

Rank of Drake on blogger Ghostface Killah's 'Softest Rappers in the Game': 1, 2 and 3

Critics who think Drake rapping about arguing with his mom justifies above ranking: 4

Percentage of Index reviews that have featured conversations about Drake: 100

Critics who have smoked with a kid named Kush: 3

Critics who have fallen asleep to the first few tracks of 'House of Balloons' only to be violently woken up by 'Glass Table Girls': 1

Rank of 'The Morning on this author's iTunes Most Played: 4

Critics who called 5-Sure to confirm her golf cart in the middle of this review while sprawled on this author's couch: 1

Critics who accused this author of disliking Spanish people because of this author's dislike of Pitbull: 1

Number of borrowed bikes that a critic has totaled in the past two months: 3

Acronyms related to Stanford's Program in Writing and Rhetoric mentioned within a twelve second span during ‘The Party / The After Party’: 4

Minutes spent discussion the Loyola (Los Angeles) Cubs: 6

Number of critics who request we catch the visionary music video for 'The Knowing' instead of just listen: 3

Number of sizes this author's heart grew with that request: 2

Length of 'The Knowing' music video, in minutes: 8

Words spoken during its entirety: 0

Levels at which this video can be interpreted, according to a monologing critic: 3

Skeptical looks exchanged at this extensive assertion: 7

Time spent discussing the differences in landscape and fauna between Los Angeles, Dallas, Boston, Miami and the Bay Area, in minutes: 8